Global warming..

I believe in global warming.

Heck I even put my part to try to bring an end to it. Apparently, recycling isn’t enough for good ol’ Earth and it took a mean revenge on me.
On Monday after class ended , I proceeded to walk to my bus stop. I was wearing lovely high heel shoes. It was noon in South Florida, so the ground was blazing and unforgiving. So you can imagine my horror when passing by some grass I managed to kick up some dirt. A large amount of very hot dirt entered my shoes thus giving me a very serious burn on both my feet.

Yes, the sun here is so God Damn hot DIIIRRRTT burnt my feet. I came home practically hopping on one foot. DAMN YOU SUN! I should have been born in Alaska or wherever the hell Twilight is based – apparently the lack of sunlight is the reason why the vampires sparkle?

I’m rather confused about global warming though. Let’s say global warming were to happen. Would that mean that South Florida becomes hotter or colder? I heard it just plains disappears.

I’d appreciate anyone with post-apocalyptic information to contact me. I prefer a region who has high survival probabilities and whose post-apocalyptic weather will be in the cool 70’s.

Thank you very much, see you in the bunker!


Qvc therapy

I get bored easily. For some strange and bizarre reason every time I’m flipping channels I seem to stop on QVC.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t buy anything on there. (Don’t crucify me QVC shoppers).
But there’s something hypnotizing about watching that damn channel. They could be selling the Mumus and they make it seem so damn urgent.

“Call now because we only have the denim blue and cherry red available. We’re all out of lemon yellow. Opps there goes medium size. We still have plenty in the Xl size”

Damn you QVC for captivating me with your nonsense.

I also have a beef with informercials. Now I understand that you must try to convince us that without your product our life is just too complicated. But everything I start to see you selling the most basic product – let’s say a garden hose- you make the people on there NOT using your garden hose look mentally retarded.

There’s this one informercial where the person looks like its going to be eaten by the common garden hose.
“Tired of those heavy garden hose…” Cue in the person about to be swallowed by the common hose.

Even water filters
“Tired of changing those big gallons of water , tired of risking your health” Cue in the person about to break their back while simutaneously dropping all the water on the floor.

Damn you informercials and QVC. DAMN YOU!

An open letter to my neighbors

I don’t know any of your names because I’ve never taken the time to actually ask. I find it more interesting to just give you nick names based on your appearance/quirks. I do ,however, feel the urge to address some of you whether or not you will ever read this.

I want to start off with the dude that looks like my boyfriend:
You sir live in my same floor two doors down. Will it freaking kill you to be polite? I really never appreciated that you closed the elevator door while me and my folks where overloaded with grocery bags. Another thing, what the hell happened to your dog eh? Seems suspicious enough, one day he’s there and then WOOF! Gone!

My next concern goes to the guy who listens to country music down stairs:
I don’t know exactly where you live but I would love to get a glimpse of you. You don’t annoy me , you just fascinate me. In a predominantly Latin complex/city you really enjoy your country music. Every time I hear it on I rush to the balcony but alas you have already left. Who are you country dude?

To my Indian neighbor:
You sir live on my same floor but so many doors down that our balconies are actually facing each other. I don’t really have a beef with you either but I don’t know if within you I see a glimpse of my own curiosity. I understand that the green pimped out camero was an odd site to see. But was it really necessary for you to go downstairs, look both ways making sure no one saw you , and inspect every inch of the green pimp urban car? And what about that time I went to the complex pools and you popped out of nowhere and started to inspect every motorcycle that was there? Are you some sort of vehicle inspector? It’s funny but weird at the same time. Funny because you try to make sure nobody’s watching you but I’m always watching you. So I’m watching you watch out for other people to make sure nobody knows you’re watching other peoples car. Mind boggling, please stop, my brain hurts.

To my nice neighbor to the left:
You ma’am are an alcoholic. It’s not any of my business but I’m worried that when you step outside for your 27,241,231 cigarette you might fall to your doom and not even realize it.

And there you have it.

Love thy neighbor? Does indifference count?

What I learned from shark week.

Yes it’s true I watch the Discovery channel.
Now with that cleared up ,for those of you who don’t engage in this kind of educational entertainment (I’m looking at you person watch re-runs of I love New York) it’s Shark week. Where every show on the Discovery Channel is dedicated to this “beast of the sea”.

Well I think it’s an understatement if I were to say I got fucking tired of watching sharks, ONLY SHARKS.And that was just two days into it. I mean even before that , they had Deadliest catch on 24/7. How much fishing can a person watch?! I wanted to see those ghost stories , I love that fake acting ,I trick myself into believe it’s all true. All in all I sat down when shark week started and here are some of the things I learned:

  1. The guy from dirty jobs has a nice body. I think I’ve developed a crush on him. I mean this a guy who does nasty jobs all day. You know he won’t mind looking inside the trash for the $20 bill you mistakenly threw away.

  2. There is no way in hell I will go into the the following waters:Bermuda Triangle ( not because of the sharks but have you heard the crazy shit that happens to people there ?!? ) South Africa, and somewhere in Florida that isn’t Miami ( I refuse to believe they filmed sharks in Miami)

  3. Camera men are brave people. What do they pay them to actually jump into the water and film sharks face to face? I wouldn’t do it unless I can live off that money when that shark takes my leg or arm.

  4. Sharks are afraid of dolphins. Flipper just became my new best friend.

  5. Back to my dirty jobs guy ( <3<3<3<3<3 ! ) dead sharks are smelly. Note to self: bring febreeze in case of any dead shark encounter.

  6. Ok, so I didn’t really learn A LOT per say but I do have a new found respect for the people who risk their lives in order to educate us dorks who are too afraid to check it out ourselves. That’s right! I said it ,I’m a chicken but I still have my limps intact! :-d

Get out of work card.

We all have had days when we feel like we don’t want to go to work. We sit on the edge of our beds thinking of what kind of lies we can come up with. Well it seems our gud ol’ mates from down under Canberra ,Australia have it covered. The website is dedicated to buying doctor’s note, so you don’t have to go to work. It doesn’t stop there. It offers American websites as well as European links so that you can cancel the gym membership that state you need to be ill or pregnant to terminate the contract. It costs about $38 and said to be funded by an Australian docter, who’s staff consisted mainly of European backpackers looking for a way to fund their trips.

This is….. interesting?
I’m torn . I think it’s great to take a day off and I really don’t buy when they say it costs the company “MILLIONS” of dollar in lost productivity. The truth is that most large companies exhaust employees to the point where they have to make up an excuse for one day off.

Hell I use to do it all the time! It didn’t cost my boss a thing just a little adjustment for 8 hours. Then there are the gyms. Oh boy I don’t know how there aren’t a league of strangled trainers in America. Balley’s doesn’t let you out of contract for 3 years! If you move , they transfer you to another gym nearby. So your only choice if you no longer want their services is to get fatally ill and have a docter say that you can not do any exercise whatsoever.

I just changed my mind. Horray for people buying medical slips. God damn I wish I had known about this sooner. Talk about all those school papers I could have saved myself from writing just because the “docter” said I pulled my bicep muscle.

I wonder the good mates medical notes say. “Crikey! Bill caint cum to wurk , seems lyk he got hit by a kangaroo.”

I know immature but I couldn’t help myself.